A work in progress.

Dear Diary of an Anxious Girl,

The past few days have been a huge eye opener. I’ve had a long chat with Scott over the corse of 2 days. I’ve cried to him, complained to him, told him how lonely I have been feeling. I told him how I didn’t believe I had any friends. He was like “Amber, look. I love you, but you need to do something. You’re not happy. You can either choose to continue living like this and be unhappy or you change something, just one thing. It doesn’t have to be huge.”

So I’ve been trying to change a little bit at a time. I sent my friend’s a long message where I was open, honest, and vulnerable. It was scary. What if it was pointless pouring my heart and soul into words? What if they didn’t care? What if they didn’t care enough to respond? A few of them did at least. Their replies made me feel better.

Today I also started asking people if they wanted to hang out. I usually almost never do this unless it’s with Scott. It was scary. Honestly, it made me feel annoying but at least I did it. I feel proud of myself. I’m glad I stepped out of  my shell  and at least tried to communicate and make plans.

I’ve also always been know as the book nerd, the girl that recommends books, the girl that reads; however, my mental health has made me fall out of love with reading for the past year or so. It’s taken a huge down turn in the last 6 months. But I just started reading again. I started blogging on my book blog again. Escape Life in the Pages if you’re curious. 🙂

I feel like I’m starting to find myself. I’ve been lost for so long I forgot who I was, who I am. It feels good to have my reading identity back. But by no means am I “cured”. I still have a long way to go. Today was just a good day and I wanted to document it.

My anxiety was starting to take over my life, control me, make me depressed. I’m trying to take my life back. It’s a work in progress. I’m just trying to take one day at a time. I’m not going to let anxiety win. I’m not going to let it beat me. I am stronger than my anxiety. I’m the strongest I’ve ever been. Keep fighting. You got this.

Love, Amber.

I need out!

Dear Diary of an Anxious Girl,

I had another brutal weekend. Saturday was an okay day for the most part. I got to hang out with Scott for awhile. We went to Red Robins and then went to the mall. I bought a few books that I didn’t need (but really, I did). We then drove around for awhile exploring nearby neighborhoods like usual.

After that we went to a friends house for a cookout. That’s when things started to go South fast. One minute I was doing okay and the second I was struggling to breathe. We were outside chilling and all I could think about was how much I needed to escape. All I could think for the hour and half we were there was “I need out. I need out now!”

My surroundings were starting to blur while I tried to hang on to reality. I was starting to slip into the dark abyss of self-doubt and worry. The only thing that kept me from sinking was Scott. He knew something was going on so he held on to me. He kept me grounded.

After we got to the car I started crying. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Everything was falling apart. The world felt like it was tipping on it’s axis. Scott pulled me over to him and held me while I clung to him for dear life. But it didn’t stop there…

I started hyperventilating on the ride home. I was crying. I was starting to lose myself. Scott kept telling me he needed me to breathe. But breathing is hard when you’re starting to panic. My god am I thankful for him though. I’m thankful he’s still here even after all my anxiety meltdowns.

Fast forward to Sunday, I was doing better. Scott asked if he could come over so he could hug me and make sure we were okay. I was still struggling to stay afloat. I clung to him like a buoy.

After I calmed down I had a decent day. We got Chinese, went to the zoo. We just hung out and relaxed. And then evening came and my anxiety came with it. I started thinking and thinking and thinking. I started thinking my friends didn’t like me. I started thinking I didn’t have friends. I started to get sadder and sadder and I couldn’t hold back the tears that started streaming down my face.

I’m doing okay now, on Monday. It was a rough weekend. I didn’t think the storm would pass, but it did. Now it just feels partly cloudy with a slight drizzle. Fighting anxiety is a daily struggling. I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully see the sun but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.

Love, Amber.

Oh no, here it goes again

Dear Diary of an Anxious Girl,

8:00am thoughts:
It’s going to be a hard day at work again. I’m already starting to feel increasingly anxious. Macey started freaking out as soon as I went to grab my shoes from the back room where her coop is. I went back in the house to finish getting ready for work when I heard a sound coming from the place I just left. I went to investigate and discovered Macey biting her coop, trying to get out…

I let her out thinking maybe she wanted to go outside but she didn’t want out. She was just shaking really bad and then she didn’t want back in her coop so I was running late for work. I put her thunder jacket on her (just a small jacket that makes her feel secure) but I still can’t help worrying and being on edge.

Just like my recent blog post and the Thunder Comes… I’m starting to freak out again. I’m so scared for my baby. I don’t want her to be scared. I hate knowing she’s scared but not knowing what’s bothering her. I hate knowing she’s scared and not knowing how to comfort her.

1030am thoughts:
I still can’t breathe. I can’t seem to calm down. I’m really shaky at work. I was going to go to an anxiety support group today but I think I need to bail. I’m worried about Macey and then on top of it I’m worried about this support group and I’m worried about driving there because it’s like in the heart of downtown and I’m nervous about the restaurant because that’s also in the heart of downtown and it’s always busy and I hate being in loud, crowded places. I’m panicking and rambling and ugh. I can’t do this, I can’t.

1300pm thoughts:
Still extremely anxious. I bailed on the support group. I can’t do it. I feel too ill. I need to go home. I need out, I need out, I need out!

Love, Amber.

And just like that, I fall

Dear Diary of an Anxious Girl,

It was an alright day and then just like that, like a snap of your fingers, everything went down hill. Slowly, then all at once. I can’t breathe. I’m filled with dread. I feel so hollow. I’m crying, and I don’t even know what I’m crying about anymore.

Scott thinks I’m getting worse and maybe I am. I feel so annoying bringing the conversation up over and over again and that’s making me upset.

I just feel so lonely. People keep telling me I need to try to make friends but I don’t know how. Every time I try my anxiety gets in the way, plants every possible reason in my brain as to why someone won’t like me, doesn’t like me, will never like me. After that it becomes exhausting trying to make friends. It makes it even more scary.

To top it off, I don’t even know how to be a friend. I don’t know how I’m suppose to act. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to hang out, what to do. I don’t know anything. The longest friend I’ve ever had is Nat, who I meet online, and lives in Canada. I’ve been friends with her for 4, almost 5 years. I can keep a long distance friendship up, but I don’t know how to do it with people close to me. ):

Love, Amber.

Social media and me

Dear Diary of an Anxious Girl,

It’s hard to breathe again. Having social media isn’t good for my health, but I don’t know how to stop using it. I always feel bad when people stop replying to me. Did I annoy them? Am I not interesting? Do they hate me? Do they not want to talk to me anymore?

And then I start to feel incredibly lonely. I’m constantly seeing people hanging out with friends, and I don’t have anyone I can hang out with. I’m part of a group chat with a few coworkers but sometimes that increases my anxiety and depression. I feel like I don’t belong in their “circle”. I feel like I’m just existing. I feel like I’m an outsider looking through the glass. I feel like I’m there but not really there. I don’t know how to explain it.

But my anxiety is making it impossible to make friends. People have hurt me over and over and over. I’m too scared to let anyone else in. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want someone to leave my life yet again. I fear rejection. I fear not being good enough. I fear opening up to someone just to watch them walk away when they get to know the real me.

Love, Amber.

Too late, I’m bailing

Dear Diary of an Anxious Girl,

I went to the gym today and I started thinking about something that’s happening in 3 weeks, 3 weeks, and I started becoming anxious. I’m already ready to bail. We finally decided to officially do a mario cart night at Cody’s house. The down side? It starts at 6pm, I work until 7pm, and it’s a 45+ minute drive there. That means I’ll get there almost 2 hours late.

If anyone knows me, they know I HATE being late for anything. I get so anxious. I freak out. I’m scared people will judge me for showing up late. I’m scared they’ll be done playing games by the time I get there. I’m scared to jump in the middle of conversations they’ve all been having for the 2 hours before I arrived. Cause in all honesty, what’s the point of even going if I’m going to be 2 hours late? I’m just going to have to turn around and drive right back.

I’m also starting to freak out as I type this. My chest is getting tight and it’s getting hard to breathe. I want to bail so bad. I don’t want to go. On the flip side, if I don’t go I’m just going to feel guilty. I’ll also probably slightly regret it if I didn’t go. I’m just so scared. It’s such a silly thing to be afraid of but I just… I don’t know if I can do it.

Love, Amber.